But I want to keep it real and talk about things that actually matter. I don't want to come off as some superficial brat who only cares about hair, makeup, and purses. Now don't get me wrong- I love all of those things and I certainly don't bother myself too much with what people think of me. :-) But I love my family, flaws and all, and just want to put it out there. So this post is dedicated to one family member in particular- my mom.
She's playing with a dog she was dog-sitting.
When I was 8 years old, I moved in with my aunt (my dad's little sister) and uncle. It was a very stressful and confusing time for me. I came from a pretty broken household with having bounced back and forth between split parents and spending time living in a children's home. My father had just been sent to prison and my mother was busy with other things going on in her life. My aunt took me in and began the long journey of raising me. This certainly wasn't an easy adjustment for everyone- my aunt had a 2 year old daughter of her own and her husband didn't really know me that well and perhaps wasn't even for having me live with them. Regardless, I continued to live them until I was 11 when I briefly moved back in with mom, but that didn't end up working out, so back to my aunt and uncle's I went.
My aunt and uncle.
My aunt and I used to have a great relationship. When I was younger, we used to have "dates" when we would go out for dinner and a movie or go shopping. I remember one time when we were driving back home, I confided in her about how I felt fat and was embarrassed about my body. I was 10 years old and was a size 8 in women's. She tried to comfort me in telling me that I was beautiful and psst- here's a secret: Mariah Carey was also a size 8. Now that I'm 24, I WISH I was a size 8. haha Throughout this time, our relationship grew stronger and I began to not need my birth mother. My aunt was becoming my real mom.
As I got older, I started to go through a lot of growing pains. Lying, keeping things from my parents, seeing boys that they didn't approve of, and trying to gain my independence. You see, my aunt was amazing- she was very intelligent and incredibly well-read. She was an artist...but she was also critical, hard, and quick to cast her judgement. A lot of the times when I wanted to talk about something, she would shut me down and make feel like an idiot. So I began to do the only thing that I could think of that would be easier- shut her out. I started to push her away and stopped communicating with her. I figured that I'd rather just not talk to her than have to deal with arguing with her. I didn't want to fight with her anymore. And most of all, I didn't want to be reminded of how much she was disappointed in me. I know my aunt loved me, but I was just making it really hard for her to do so.
We went through this estranged relationship for a few years with scarce ups and lot of downs. We really didn't start spending time with one another until a couple of years ago, when she was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.
About a year ago, she had surgery to remove all visible signs of cancer and we thought she had finally beat this thing. But we were wrong. Her cancer had never really left, but instead disguised itself and clung to her body with a vengeance. She started to lose so much weight and began bulging in her belly with fluids that she had to get regularly drained. She began to look like a lollipop- a round head stuck on a thin stick.
I wish I could say that I was there holding her hand every step of the way, but I can't, simply because I wasn't. I'm married now with a husband who has Epilepsy and a brain tumor. A lot of my energy goes to him and to supporting my small family. Now that's no excuse for my absence at a lot of doctor's appointments for my aunt, but I certainly did the best that I could to be there for her. I visited her at the hospital when I could and made sure to spend time with my family as much as possible. I got updates from my cousins and uncle and followed her Facebook and social media accounts to get the latest news on how she was doing.
As time passed, her condition began to worsen. She couldn't eat anything. She was in constant pain. She just wasn't herself anymore. On the day that she passed away, I had to leave the house for a couple of hours for an important meeting with my congregation. I had the privilege of being an Auxilary Pioneer and had the opportunity to attend a Pioneer Meeting with the Circuit Overseer.* As I was sitting there in the meeting, my mind began to drift and I started to think about how the very first Pioneer Meeting I attended was when I was a teenager and was with my aunt. I started to fully realize a big reason as to why I was auxilary pioneering: I was doing it for my aunt because I wanted her to be proud of me. Of course, that isn't the sole reason as to why I was taking part in this amazing privilege, but it certainly put things into perspective.
My aunt was a wonderful, awe-inspiring individual. She was crazy, loud, and funny. She always went to bat for me and tried to protect me. She taught me how to be a fighter and to be passionate about something. She taught me good manners and to have respect for others. She emphasized how no man is an island...no one can do it on their own. Even though the last days of our relationship weren't perhaps ideal, I truly believe one thing: we both knew how much we loved eachother and how the past is in the past. All we have to look forward to is what's to come.
The last two visits that I made at the hospital to see her were a week before she passed away. One of the things that she said that she wanted for me was to just be an honest person and to be happy. She said, "Nadia, make peace with your mom." I replied, "I don't need to, because you're my mom." Then the last thing that she asked from me was to move in with my family because she felt that it would good for the kids to have me there to support them. So here I sit, in my new living room in the mother-in-law apartment of my family's house, trying to be honest in this blog post and deal with my real feelings, and trying to be happy with my life.
To support my family with their struggle of paying medical bills and to cope with our new reality, please visit impermanency.org for more information.
Love. Peace. And buttermilk biscuits.
Nadia
*My family and I are Jehovah's Witnesses and attend a Kingdom Hall. An Auxilary Pioneer is a baptized Christian who volunteers 50 hours a month in the Bible education work that we do. A Pioneer Meeting is simply a meeting to gather encouragement from the Scriptures and to learn how we can improve our teaching skills. A Circuit Overseer is an appointed person who oversees a group of congregations and makes regular visits to review progress being made and to provide Bible-based instruction.
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